“The strongest principle of growth lies in human choice.”-George Eliot
As a child there weren’t many choices that were ours to make. We did not get to choose who our parents were. We did not choose how many siblings we had, or where we lived. As children we did not chose the life that was given to us, it was chosen for us. There are many wonderful childhoods-great parents, white picket fence, no tragedy or loss. On the flip side there are many that were not so great. For every wonderful childhood it would be my assumption that there were more that weren’t so great. Childhoods of neglect, abuse, poverty, abandonment, alcoholism, addiction-these weren’t chosen, it was the hand that was dealt. There is one common denominator in all of these scenarios for the children that suffered a horrible childhood-survival. The only “choice” you had was survival. How did you survive? How did you learn to numb your pain?
I don’t personally believe the little girl that was sexually abused woke up one day and decided that she was going to be sexually promiscuous. It felt good to feel loved and wanted, a feeling that was craved no matter what the cost, thus promiscuity was born. It was learned over time, this makes me feel good. If I don’t do this I feel bad and I want to feel good so I will continue no matter how bad it may make me feel later. This is her coping mechanism, her survival.
The child who was abused gets offered a drink. A drink makes him feel good so he has another and another. The only time he feels good or even okay is when he is drunk, thus the alcoholic is born. The pain is so strong that only the alcohol can quickly numb it and the cycle continues. This is his coping mechanism.
I don’t believe we wake up one day and “choose” to be promiscuious, or an alcoholic, an addict, a bitch, a “hater”, distant, closed off from emotion or feelings, self absorbed, etc…we learn these things. We learn them in order to survive, they are our defense mechanisms. They may have kept us alive while dealing with other issues, however ironically they will end up killing us. They will kill us literally or kill us emotionally. Walking around life numb, closed off or shut down is no life. At what point do we CHOOSE a better life. At what point do we actually deal with the life that was dealt us and move forward? At what point do we become a better person than the people that hurt us?
I am stressed so I skip lunch. I am depressed I skip dinner. Am I anorexic? No. I am depressed. I continue skipping meals, then I begin losing weight. The my peers begin to comment on my weight loss, they say I look good. I feel in control of my life since my restricting. I feel that I am numb, I don’t care, as long as I don’t “feel”. It becomes an addiction for me, an internal competition with myself. I care about nobody but myself. I lie, I cheat, I do whatever I have to do to make me feel good, it’s my survival. I didn’t feel it was a choice I made at the time it just happened. I didn’t have a horrible childhood. I had good parents, I had the white picket fence. I was my own worst enemy. I obsessed, over analyzed, had panic attacks. Why? Outward appearances showed a perfect life. I had it all, but felt empty. The more I restricted the less empty I felt ironically. At what point does it become my choice? At what point do I make change? I am sick, I realize this. I blackout at work, I can’t stand up, I go eat. I cry. I decide I will make the “choice” to change. I will not be anorexic. I have no support, nor do I look for any. I go back to restricting. That was my CHOICE. The point at which we realize we have the problem, ignore it and carry on self destructing is the point at which it becomes our CHOICE. I choose to continue on self destructing even after the realization of what I was doing to myself. I continue on, I ruin relationships, I lie, I cheat, I drink excessively, I hate myself. I have nobody. I am alone. I CHOOSE to get help. It’s hard. I cry. I beg for someone to make this easier, but they can’t. Nobody can “fix” me but me. I find support. I go to therapy. I learn new coping skills, healthy coping skills. I get to know me, who I am without my “bestfriend” anorexia. I am strong. I made the choice to live.
When will you decide to choose a better life for you, your family, your friends? What are you choosing now? Is it working? What will be your choice?
This speaks very true for me. I came from a childhood of acholism, abuse, neglect, poverty, and addiction. To outsiders looking in it may have appeared that I had the white picket fence childhood…but inside it wasn’t. My father was an alcholic, my mother neglected some of my needs, I suffered addiction and abuse at the hands of my brother.
I eventually became to know pain as a way to survive. Pain and the numbing out of the pain became all I could actually rely on. When that ceased to be enough, purging because an all time high…eventually even that wasn’t enough. Restricting gave me a feeling of control and a way to numb things out.
I am trying to choose to get help, trying to choose to get better, trying to realize i’m not alone, but it is a hard battle. I wish often that I had been born into another family…I often drive by houses in small towns and look out the windows, watch kids playing in there yards, and I wonder…I wonder if they are living the lie that I was forced to live for so many years. I wonder if they too, will end up the way I have…but I also wonder if they have the “perfect” childhood, and if I had had the “perfect” childhood, would I be struggling the way that I am.
My way of surviving isn’t working. I know that. I know my way of surviving could end up being what kills me…but how do you stop your way of survival?
If your way of survival is not working, which it sounds like you are saying it isn’t, than you have to find a new method of survival. The behaviors that give you the “high”, to numb or ease your pain, eventually don’t work anymore. When these behaviors stop serving their purpose you either have to increase the negative behavior to get the same “high” or find a new healthy coping skill, a new survival.
No family is perfect. I honestly do not believe the the stereotypical white picket fence childhood exists. Yes, there are people who have good childhoods, but never perfect. On the flip there are people who have horrible childhoods, similiar to the one you are describing, but you couldn’t change that. We don’t choose our childhoods, families, etc…The good news is that now you do have the ability to choose! I think it is great that you are taking steps toward recovery! Keep up the good work, it’s work the effort!!!!