Happiness/Depression-Anne Wilson Schaef

Below is an excerpt from the daily meditation book “Meditations For Women Who Do Too Much” by Anne Wilson Shaef

“When a small child…I thought that success spelled happiness. I was wrong, happiness is like a butterfly which appears and delights us for one brief moment, but soon flits away.”-Anna Pavlova

“There is no difference between happiness and depression. They both have the same process. It is just the content that is not the same. Both will come and go. The major difference between them is what we do with them.

We are always seeking happiness. When we see it coming we say, “Ah, come here, I see you. Stay with me always.” Happiness laughs and says, “Oh, she’s seen me, I can leave now.” And it does.

With depression we see it coming, and we say: “Go away, I don’t want you. Not me.” And depression sighs and says, “Here we go again, I’m going to have to get bigger and bigger for her to hear me and learn what I have to teach.” So it taps us on the shoulder and says, “Over here, over here!” until it gets our attention. Then it leaves.

Both happiness and depression have something to teach us. Both will come and go. Both will return. It is our response and openness to learn from both that makes the difference.

MY HAPPINESS is  a gift. My depression is a gift. Both are like butterflies in my life.“-Anne Wilson Schaef

Lori

Putting my feelings into words about EDEN is an honor for me.

 

When I joined EDEN as a psychologist working to gain experience in the field,  I had no idea what I was in for.  Alice knew, Lida knew and Betsy knew.  I was an outgoing young woman to most around me, but inside so unsteadied, helpless to change conflict in my life and possessed self-worth that was only as stable as the days weather (in Michigan).  I casually discussed that I used to purge, but that I was done with that now.   Thought I was tough thought I knew it all.  But what I found was, I had never had anyone treat me fairly.  I had no idea what it meant to ask to have my needs met.  I did not know how to say no without guilt or fear of rejection.  Though my purging was at bay I still completely coped through binge eating and restriction, and thought about food and my body all the time.  Now I am alive!!  I am empowered to do anything I need to do.  I am not afraid of conflict or a bad day.  Food is my friend not my self- worth.  My life continues to reach new levels of balance every year.  And most importantly, I can say I love myself.

 

EDEN brought me the skills, the support, the expectations of full recovery and the assertiveness with my own emotions and my surroundings to continue to maintain it forever.  They didn’t take away my eating disorder that inspired me to leave it behind so I could have joy in my life.  For this I am ever grateful.

 

Lori Perpich-EDEN facilitator, therapist

In Their Own Words

Struggling with bulimia for over 15 years, I never thought that recovery was
possible. EDEN has not only helped me understand that it IS possible, but has
helped me gain a significant amount of abstinence for the very first time. EDEN
helped me understand exactly how much my eating disorder has taken from me over
the years, and has helped me and encouraged me as I have started taking these
things back. -Heather

 

CHOICE

“The strongest principle of growth lies in human choice.”-George Eliot

As a child there weren’t many choices that were ours to make. We did not get to choose who our parents were. We did not choose how many siblings we had, or where we lived. As children we did not chose the life that was given to us, it was chosen for us. There are many wonderful childhoods-great parents, white picket fence, no tragedy or loss. On the flip side there are many that were not so great. For every wonderful childhood it would be my assumption that there were more that weren’t so great. Childhoods of neglect, abuse, poverty, abandonment, alcoholism, addiction-these weren’t chosen, it was the hand that was dealt. There is one common denominator in all of these scenarios for the children that suffered a horrible childhood-survival. The only “choice” you had was survival. How did you survive? How did you learn to numb your pain?

I don’t personally believe the little girl that was sexually abused woke up one day and decided that she was going to be sexually promiscuous. It felt good to feel loved and wanted, a feeling that was craved no matter what the cost, thus promiscuity was born. It was learned over time, this makes me feel good. If I don’t do this I feel bad and I want to feel good so I will continue no matter how bad it may make me feel later. This is her coping mechanism, her survival.

The child who was abused gets offered a drink. A drink makes him feel good so he has another and another. The only time he feels good or even okay is when he is drunk, thus the alcoholic is born. The pain is so strong that only the alcohol can quickly numb it and the cycle continues. This is his coping mechanism.

I don’t believe we wake up one day and “choose” to be promiscuious, or an alcoholic, an addict, a bitch, a “hater”, distant, closed off from emotion or feelings, self absorbed, etc…we learn these things. We learn them in order to survive, they are our defense mechanisms. They may have kept us alive while dealing with other issues, however ironically they will end up killing us. They will kill us literally or kill us emotionally. Walking around life numb, closed off or shut down is no life. At what point do we CHOOSE a better life. At what point do we actually deal with the life that was dealt us and move forward? At what point do we become a better person than the people that hurt us?

I am stressed so I skip lunch. I am depressed I skip dinner. Am I anorexic? No. I am depressed. I continue skipping meals, then I begin losing weight. The my peers begin to comment on my weight loss, they say I look good. I feel in control of my life since my restricting. I feel that I am numb, I don’t care, as long as I don’t “feel”.  It becomes an addiction for me, an internal competition with myself. I care about nobody but myself. I lie, I cheat, I do whatever I have to do to make me feel good, it’s my survival. I didn’t feel it was a choice I made at the time it just happened. I didn’t have a horrible childhood. I had good parents, I had the white picket fence. I was my own worst enemy. I obsessed, over analyzed, had panic attacks. Why? Outward appearances showed a perfect life. I had it all, but felt empty. The more I restricted the less empty I felt ironically. At what point does it become my choice? At what point do I make change? I am sick, I realize this. I blackout at work, I can’t stand up, I go eat. I cry. I decide I will make the “choice” to change. I will not be anorexic. I have no support, nor do I look for any. I go back to restricting. That was my CHOICE. The point at which we realize we have the problem, ignore it and carry on self destructing is the point at which it becomes our CHOICE. I choose to continue on self destructing even after the realization of what I was doing to myself. I continue on, I ruin relationships, I lie, I cheat, I drink excessively, I hate myself. I have nobody. I am alone. I CHOOSE to get help. It’s hard. I cry. I beg for someone to make this easier, but they can’t. Nobody can “fix” me but me. I find support. I go to therapy. I learn new coping skills, healthy coping skills. I get to know me, who I am without my “bestfriend” anorexia. I am strong. I made the choice to live.

When will you decide to choose a better life for you, your family, your friends? What are you choosing now? Is it working? What will be your choice?

Attitude

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company… a church… a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past… we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you… we are in charge of our Attitudes.”

Charles R. Swindoll

HEALTHY Exercise

HEALTHY exercise is an interesting concept for those recovering from an eating disorder. It seems to be something that is either all or nothing for those of us that are recovered or are recovering. I am defintely not going to be a hypocrite and pretend as though I have mastered the art of healthy exercise because honestly, I haven’t. My exercise routine has consisted of NOTHING. I don’t exercise, however I am working on changing that. Thirteen years ago when I was struggling with anorexia I was a compulsive over exerciser believe it or not. I exercised everyday, multiple times a day. As part of my recovery I had to quit exercising, obviously a part of recovery I took seriously…too seriously, since it has been 10 years since I’ve struggled and am still not exercising! So, it is my goal to begin a healthy exercise routine and I encourage you to do the same.

It is important to get the permission of your physician before beginning any new exercise routine, especially those that are struggling or recovering from an eating disorder! Below are some ideas of healthy exercise to get you started after you see your physician.

It is important to do something you enjoy doing. If you hate rollerblading, I wouldn’t choose that as your form of exercise! Now that spring is just around the corner it will be much easier to go outside, enjoy the fresh air and while at it get some exercise. Take the dog for a walk, or take your children to the park, this will give you some exerise and clear your mind. Another good suggestion is get an exercise buddy, someone who is healthy and will encourage you to be healthy as well. I hope you will find these suggestions helpful and try them out. If you have any ideas of things that have worked for you please share, we would love to hear your feedback! Most importantly, don’t give up! Any new routine will be challenging, but as you get used to it you will find it easier to stick to…I’ve heard, I’ll let you know…

Who are you choosing to let into your life…

“Holding a grudge against someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” The only person you will be hurting is you!

A strong barrier in recovery tends to be people. These people can be friends, children, spouses, parents, boy/girlfriends, etc…It is important to learn how to deal with people in your life that may initiate negativity. Unfortunately, many people are very unhappy and as a result express that unhappiness externally by treating you negatively. Don’t take it personally, it’s not about YOU it’s about THEM! Don’t use someone elses actions as an excuse for you to relapse, or slip up in your recovery. Don’t hurt yourself because your loved one may be hurting-let it go!

In letting it go, you must do just that and not be a reactionary to them. Don’t get defensive, angry, hurt, furious and don’t react out of fear and anxiety. Nothing will get resolved if you react this way. It may feel better at the time to react, but later you will be left with feelings of anxiety, guilt and shame. Stop the negativity!

Sometimes it is necessary to eliminate negative people in your life to truly eliminate the negativity. This can be boring at first, there is some “pay off” you have for keeping these people in your life for so long, if not why would you? Although, boring at first, it will be empowering in the end, you will soon live a more balanced, peaceful life! A good way to determine who has to go is by asking yourself how you feel after spending the day with that person. Do you feel happy, relaxed, peaceful? Or do you feel anxious, stressed, drained? If it is the later than it’s probably time to let go…

I won’t hide you again…by Melinda

A dark room is located inside a home that lies off a beaten path. A
room made of brick. It’s empty except for two chains hanging from the
ceiling. There’s no windows and it smells of wet dirt and dust. A
faint shadow comes from a crack in the floor above. When the sun hit
the window upstairs the shadow cast on the chains. A woman, bound.
Lifeless, her arms apart and she cries. Her cries from the inside.
Her cries for freedom, recognition and acceptance. Raising her head,
she looks up, a step from the floor releases dust that falls on her
face. Unable to wipe her face, her tears leave a trail down her cheek.
She cries out and pulls at the chains. Years have gone by and remains
alone, dirty and punished for what is unknown to her.

The darkness has grown on met, its what I know. Who am I? Have I
already forgotten? Why can’t she me? Can’t she feel me? I am her! As
she fights the chains she yells “don’t forget me, I’m here, save me, I
am you.”

Daily she hears someone go in and out. She hears crying, anger,
yelling and at times a hand on the door handle leading to me. With
every grasp, I awake and being to fight so she knows I’m here.
And…..silence again.

With desperation she screams “Don’t forget me, I’m here, I’m you, what
have I done wrong?” “Why are you ashamed? I have so much for
you……I forgive you!”

Again, footsteps heard heading to the door at the top of the stairs
that long have been walked on. I plea for this time to be different.
“God, if she knew I am the reason she’s unhappy. She’s forgotten about
me. She’s left me behind, she’s denied who she is so she’ll fit
in…..God tell her to me a chance.” I begin to pull and kick. I fight
so much to be heard, my hair whips back and forth. My feet at times
don’t touch, my wrists red and blistered. “I fight for you, fight for
me.” Every pull, every toss and shake, loosens the chains. The bolts
begin to unravel and they fall. “I’m free.” Taking her dirty and
battered shirt she wipes her face. Scared she sits for a moment and
composes herself. “What if?” Ignoring her fear she stands realizing
she hasn’t heard movement from the door. With every step getting
closer to the door, she catches the shadow of feet from where the door
separates from the floor. Reaching the top step, she stops.

The house is bright. I come and go. It has my stuff and I’ve made it
my own. Everyday, I pass by a door; I’ve placed myself down there. For
I’ve hidden myself so no one would see. Passing by the door makes my
heart flutter. I ignore the yells and screams. I’ve never forgotten
she’s there, even though she may think so. I don’t know what to say to
her. How do I tell her “I embarrassed and ashamed of myself because I
haven’t been true to who she is.” So many days I grab the door handle
to let her out and talk to her; but I can’t. I’m not ready. This house
is lonely alone. Quiet and bare. It needs something, a family, a
fullness a whole person to create “a home.” Yesterday I came to the
door, touched the handle and walked away. Today, I stand here waiting
and hoping I have the courage. Today feels different. I say to myself
“Will she recognize me, will I recognize her?” The intensity of the
moment surges through my body. It pulses from my feet into my chest
and sits at my throat.

Two hands are placed on the door and tears fall. As I open the door,
there she stands pushing it from the other side. We meet each other
for the first time. God it’s been years. I turn my gaze and she stops
me with her hand and turns my face back. When our eyes meet again,
there’s a sparkle gleaming from the corner of hers. Her words are soft
but commanding “I forgive you.”

At that instant I feel whole. I’ve found myself.

I whisper, “I won’t hide you again.”

the “r” word

The “r” word, yikes! It is funny how so many of you are scared to share with me about your relapse. Perhaps funny isn’t the best word to describe it, I think sad is. It is sad because EDEN is here for those tough times. Yes, we see you at your worst and we then see you at your best. That doesn’t mean that if you slip up that you need to feel ashamed. I received an email today from a client I worked with a few years ago that shared with me that she had relapsed some time ago and was afraid to tell me about it, she was embarassed. I do understand that feeling, but that is what we are here for, to make it easier.  Although everybodys recovery is very different they are also very similiar. Recovery from an eating disorder is tough and although recovery can be exciting it can also SUCK! That’s where we come in…we’ve been there. We have been through the ups and downs. The challenge lies in the fact that you (our clients) haven’t seen the “downs” so you may think they don’t exist, well I’m here to assure you they do for us also. I have been “recovered” for eleven years, however two years ago I relapsed. I went through a very difficult time in my life and when nothing else seemed to help my anorexia was sure to step in. It sucked! By my choice I quit working with clients through this time. I felt that if I wasn’t practicing what I was preaching I better stop preaching it! I didn’t wake up one day and tell myself today I am going to use my anorexia as my coping mechanism, it just happened. I was embarassed, ashamed and felt incredibly guilty. I had spent the eight years previous teaching people how to stop doing what I was once again doing. I justified it in my mind and felt sorry for myself. I carried on for about six months until I realized enough was enough, I had to make a choice. I had my pity party and it was time to get over it and on with it. I used the resources available to me to do that and I did. No I’m not perfect, far from it. I am learning to take each day as it comes, and am realizing whatever life throws at me starving myself is not an option. The only thing that keeps you from that decision is YOU! It is your choice how to live your life, I encourage you to use the resources available to you-EDEN is one of them! There are no excuses anymore. Yes life is hard, yes it sucks sometimes, but it doesn’t have to. Stop looking at all that you do not have, where you have gone wrong, regrets, shame, the PAST and move FORWARD…

Searching…

Sometimes in searching for one thing we can find something entirely different. I had a situation in my life over the last couple of weeks that I will share with you with the hopes that you can apply this to your recovery.

It is no secret that I struggled with an eating disorder. At the time in my life when I struggled it was a challenge that I faced daily, and those who didn’t struggle could not fully understand. Well these days I do not struggle with an eating disorder, but there are still struggles. In life there will always be struggles, they just change. That being said we can change too in how we deal with the struggles.

I am a mother of three little boys, wonderful boys. I adore them, but it can be a struggle and challenging at times. Of course this doesn’t mean I would change a thing, just as I wouldn’t change the struggles I went through with my anorexia, those struggles made me who I am today.

Recently my husband had to go out of town for two weeks. I will admit I tend to want to control situations. I like to know my schedule, what I am doing and I look forward to the evening when I can “escape” get some work in and relax for a few. So many anxieties plagued me prior to his leaving-how will I work (I work from home with no daycare), how will I get a break from these children, who will help me and the list went on. Well, many of the fears I had anticipated did come to fruition while he was away-I didn’t work, everyone got sick and I spent much of the two weeks home alone with my three babies. I was full of anxiety, scared at times and lonely, but I did it! I made it. I feel stronger now than I did before because I know I am strong. Maybe I didn’t realize that as much before, perhaps this taught me to rely more on myself and less on others. 

Many of the feelings I experienced those two weeks were similiar to those when I began my recovery. Scared, lonely, anxious…who’s going to help me? And I received the same answer in both situations-ME!

Sometimes in searching for somebody else to take care of you, you learn to take care of yourself, or to save you, you learn to save yourself. We have the power inside of us, it is our choice.